Apologies upfront. This month I'm tired of diet blogging in general, even though I guess by definition I'm a diet blogger. Yes, I'm aware of the irony.
Initial thoughts/assessment
Current weight: 207 lbs. (2.8 lb gain)
Waist 89 cm, 35 in (unchanged since last month)
Hips 124 cm, 49 in (5 cm gain)
Right thigh 79 cm, 31 in (3 cm gain)
Left arm 42.5 cm, 16.75 in (.5 cm loss, maybe)
Forgot to measure my neck
I don't know what my problem was exactly, this month, sticking to the meat thing. I mean, I haven't really gained weight or size, which is good news. Possibilities:
- pressures of my expanding waistline (literally! in my jeans!);
- the fact that the doctors can't seem to do anything about my hip pain other than tell me to go to physical therapy or take ibuprofen;
- the dwindling daylight hours;
- holiday season
- making healthcare plan decisions stressing me out
- the nagging thought that maybe I should just start fucking exercising again because it might improve my mood, but I'm kinda loathe/afraid to do so
Whatever the reason, this past month, I think I've had more days of eating crap than I have of just eating meat.
I'm in a diet quandary. Still trying to find MY personal Way Of Eating.
Nitty gritty
So at the start of month 7, I thought, I would move into a more keto type zero carb diet. For better blood sugars, and hopefully better fat loss.
Realistically, it meant more butter, bacon, eggs, heavy whipping cream, sour cream, cheese, and fattier beef/meat cuts. I also fired up myfitnesspal again and tracked what I ate, aiming for that golden 80% fat ratio. This meant sometimes I'd pour myself some HWC, measured out on the scale (oh, old friend), and add a splash of water to dilute. Then that would be my after dinner snack. Yep, weird.
I didn't want to limit calories again, since I'm trying to de-program myself from thinking calories are the absolute be all and end all when it comes to weight loss. If it was that easy, I'd be thin by now. So my goal was always 2700, ballpark number. Too much, maybe? Eh. I'm sick of being hungry, and that amount satisfied me.
On the paper wall calendar we keep at home near the fridge and the scale (such subliminal messages right?), I write down a check mark if I was able to eat only from the animal kingdom. If not, I put a sad face and summarize what I ate. Alcohol is exempt, because I've decided wine has to be in my life. Now and forevermore. Subject to change.
As I've typed out this little calendar ritual description just now, I realize how disordered and fucked up it sounds. THIS IS LIFE AS A FEMALE IN AMERICA.
Anyway. It's the life I've chosen for myself, continually, at least.
I was doing fine for a week or so on my ZC keto kick, and then they started handing out the free food at work. They do this a couple times a week when it gets to the "busy season." When one department is busy, everyone gets lunch catered in.
There is always some kind of sandwich, chips, and a cookie or dessert. And I just got tired of resisting. So I ate. I ate some more. I enjoooooyyyyyed. So sue me, I did.
After such enjoyment and a bit of extra overindulging from the omnipresent candy bowls of my coworkers, I would feel bad about it, and promise I'd do better the next day, and then I would, except for the times that I didn't.
I surmise that part of the reason that it's been easy for me to descend into processed carb land lately is because I'm obviously not one of those who is gluten intolerant, or has bad reactions to diary, or any of that. My body quietly absorbs anything and everything put into it, more or less. Hurray for that goddamn thrifty genotype.
I've been scanning my face for signs of more pimples than usual, and nothing. The worst thing so far I've seen symptom wise is that my head is slightly itchy and I have dandruff. I really wish I was the kind of person whose arthritis symptoms or gout would just flare and I'd be in agony. That'd show me not to eat cake.
I know - I should be careful what I wish for.
I've been reading Paul Bragg's godawful book about fasting. Don't pick it up, it will infuriate you. BUT, I'm kind of intrigued by the powers of the human body to heal itself, and I figured a weekly 24 hour fast like he advocates would be a fun thing to throw in the mix. Why not. This is a kitchen sink situation here, people.
So, I have been fasting. On Mondays for the past 4 weeks. Either I've eaten breakfast and then fasted until the following day's breakfast, or had Sunday dinner and then fasted until Monday's dinner. Just a day, no big whoop.
The first time I fasted, it went alright. Pretty steady blood sugar throughout the day, but it was dropping. I was still taking 11 units of Lantus nightly at that point.
The following week, I barely held on because my blood sugar just got too low. I did have a few fun size snickers bars in order to raise my blood sugar. After that, I decided to lower my Lantus dose to 9 units nightly, and so far that's worked pretty well, even during my fast days. The lowest I ever really get is in the 70s, but I feel fine. Hungry, colder than usual, but fine. Hope I'm not aggravating my thyroid too badly...
This week, before my amazing family comes and visits me for Thanksgiving, I'm sort of preparing for the face-stuffing. Cleansing, if you will (ugh, I know, sorry). In addition to my Monday, fast, I'm doing a 24-hr fast today, which is Friday. Saturday begins the whirlwind of exciting activities, and I'm going to just go with the flow. Be easy on myself. Eat what I want to eat and what feels good.
We're going to eat at a casino buffet on Thanskgiving. You're jealous, I can tell. My stomach is trembling in terror.
Wrapping it up
Having only gained 3 pounds maybe over the last month, I'm hoping this is a plateauing out. My body wants to be here, at 207 lbs, right now. Far be it from me to try and torture it into losing fat. That method has worked in the past, but historically, only short term. I don't know what my long term solution is, because every time I thought I found it, it was really only for, say, a year or two. RIP weight watchers, RIP paleo.
Maybe the fasting is helping offset the carbs I've eaten? Maybe it's also helping my skin? Maybe it's the coffee I've reinstated that's giving me some hidden benefits? There are too many fucking variables for me to ever figure out what's going on with my metabolism, so this month I've stopped trying.
I don't know if this is the end of Diameatus. Maybe I just needed a break from all of the meat preparation and stress. I'm learning to be kinder to myself too. I was having a bit of a freakout because I'm traveling soon to meet up with some friends for a bachelorette weekend, and various pictures will be taken, so my fatness will be on display for posterity. Honestly, being in the presence of that many females with camera phones gives me more anxiety than this big-ass needle does.
Above all, I'm trying to remember that no one really gives a shit about what I look like or what my struggles are. Not you, not my distant facebook friends, not Twitter, not anyone else. Maybe my family, but they have their own individual struggles too. I'm definitely not the focus of anyone else's life cinema.
I'm doing my NaNoWriMo novel too this month, which is going pretty well, if I keep on it and don't fall too far behind in the excitement of Thanksgiving week. It's a good kind of stress. Writing this blog entry was definitely a mode of procrastination on that front.
See you next month when everything is sparkly.
